Blah, Blah, Blah

02Mar11

I’m finally starting to work out and eat less and everything, but it really sucks that it takes so long. I mean, it’s just really discouraging that it’s going to take at least a year to be my ideal weight. I’ve wasted 18 years already doing nothing, and now I have to waste another year just to be normal. EVERYTHING bad in my life depends on my weight. Every complaint I have, every tiny thing that goes wrong is entirely because I’m fat. The main reason I’m so determined right now to do this is because I know for a fact that I was never meant to be overweight. I’m naturally a small person, I know. I have so many stretch marks and I know it’s because I was meant to be small. All of my fat looks awkward, I’m not one of those people who can possibly look cute while being fat. It’s just impossible, no matter how hard I try.

Anyways, today was a good day, I guess. I watched Law & Order: SVU while I did cardio. I haven’t eaten yet today, so that’s good. But my mom won’t answer the damn phone and I’ve been trying to talk to her for the past week. Really, mom? I never want to talk to you and when I finally do, you don’t answer or even call me back? Bullshit, I say! BULLSHIT!

Can someone just give me a time machine so I can go to the future to when I’m skinny and healthy and confident? Please? That would make everything so much easier. Then again, I know nothing in life is supposed to be easy. I know you’re supposed to work your ass off for anything that’s worth having. I guess that’s my problem. I always just expect everything to be handed to me. I was never raised to work hard for anything. My parents were never very strict. I didn’t get everything I wanted by any means, but the things I did have were just given to me. I’m spoiled, and it’s something I need to change. I don’t want to be that person who just thinks they can have anything at any time. I don’t want to be selfish anymore and I don’t want people to keep making everything easier for me.

What I really want is for people to start being hard on me. I’ve brought this up to my friends and family before, but they all just refuse to do it. I want everyone to start telling me how much of shit I am. I want to feel worthless so that maybe this time I’ll actually do something. I don’t know, my thoughts are all over the place today and I have no idea how to get them out in a proper form that makes any sense.

Rant over, I guess….

fuckshitdicklickertits,

— Sarah Tyler Deen

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3 Responses to “Blah, Blah, Blah”

  1. DO NOT under any circumstances think about 18 months into the future. Tackling a diet like that will drive you crazy.

    Day at a time. Just get through each day worrying about that day only. Do the best you can and try to have more good days than bad and one day you will wake up at your goal.

    Don’t worry about tomorrow or beat yourself up over yesterday, just do the best you can today. 😀

    My two cents on the matter even if it is only worth a penny. 😀

    Good luck.

  2. Go easy on yourself will you! Don’t frantically try to change yourself out of disgust for who you are now, that never works! No ifs or buts, believe me, it does not work. Accept that you are just fine now, but you can always do a bit better. Try to change out of love for what you can become, not out of hate for the state of things at the moment. And on top of all of that -> Being healthy is important, being thin is overrated. I promise (: Good luck!

    • I actually appreciate this a lot! I know hating myself isn’t going to help change anything. Although, sometimes it’s just extremely hard not to. But thanks for the support! (:


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