Where to begin?

07Feb11

My best friend just left, and I use that term, ‘best friend’ very lightly. She came over yesterday, and we just talked about stuff and drew. The whole time I just kept thinking to myself how awkward it was. When we first met, we didn’t need anything for us to have fun. We acted drunk every time we were together. Now, even being ‘under the influence’ it was hard for me to laugh. It just isn’t fun anymore. We’ve spent the past two and a half years trying so hard to mature, to be better than everyone else, that we’ve just gotten extremely boring. It pains me to even think about our relationship going down the tubes, but I really can’t think of us being friends forever anymore. I guess forever is just for kids.

I mean, she’s the closest person to me that isn’t family, but I feel like I can’t tell jokes around her or be myself anymore. I feel like she judges me now, when she never has before. It hurts to even tell her the truth most of the time, so we fight more than ever. She just left early because I fell asleep, and she was bitching about how I was only awake for 8 hours and I needed to hang out with her. Honey, what you don’t understand is that I’m bipolar and I’m depressed, sleep is all I need and want right now. But could I explain that to her? No. All I could say was ‘no comment, see you later.’

The whole time she was here, she was telling me about how she feels about her boyfriend. How she loves him but she doesn’t like being around him much anymore, she wants him to mature. I kept telling her that if she felt that way, she shouldn’t be with him. I couldn’t help but to think I was just talking about myself with her. I love her more than anything, but I don’t enjoy our time anymore, and I really don’t think she does either. That’s probably why she never comes over, and why I never make an effort to go to her house.

Maybe I’m just being crazy, maybe I’m just trying to push everyone away…. But either way, I don’t know what to do.

Peace, Love, and Dick…

— Sarah Tyler Deen

P.S. I promised myself I’d never put a picture of myself on my blog. But you can’t really recognize me in this, and either way you don’t know which is me. But don’t get used to it.

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